A Quest For Unseasoned Fries
by nony0mous
Summary: Where in the world can Harry find a replacement for his unseasoned fries? His destiny is to travel with Voldemort until they find those fries... and yes, the fate of the world depends on it.
1. Chapter 1

_Written for The Acronym Challenge_

**Hello.**

**I am nony0mous.**

**I have gone to great extents to obtain rights to Harry Potter so I could write this story.**

**And it all comes down to this:**

**Truffles or Story.**

**Hmm.**

**Well, sorry, readers, but this isn't really a hard choice.**

**Chewing truffles obnoxiously and teasing you from the comfort of my home _is_ pretty tempting.**

**Sorry, but amazing author that I am, I do not own Harry Potter.**

**P.S. Nom nom nom. Ooh, these truffles are delicious. Mmm mmm. So tasty. Oh yeah.**

**Thank you, Pseudonymous Bosch, for the lessons on how to annoy people.**

It was Voldemort Execution Day.

Wizards and Muggles alike had traveled for weeks, some for months, to be there, at the biggest event since the last biggest event.

A stadium 5 times bigger than the one used for the Quidditch World Cup had been built.

Harry settled down in his first row seat. He bought some of Steve's Unseasoned Fries, because what is better than unseasoned fries? Nothing. Except maybe truffles.

Monsignor Monsure stepped up to begin the first of the days events.

"Voldemort!" he cried. "You are the greatest of sinners! You have killed many wizards. I am disgusted by your behavior. I remember the day when you played Mary in our play, Mary Bo Peep Lost Her Sheep. What was it that compelled you to kill the sheep? Why, Voldemort, why?

"So now, as a holy man, I must send you to your doom. You are to be cursed! With an Unforgivable Curse! _Imperio!_"

Voldemort was then forced to participate in a series of small sketches, including _Mary Bo Peep Lost Her Sheep, So She Committed Suicide._

"Stop it! I'm going numb with pain! What did I do to deserve this?" screamed Voldemort.

**18 Long Hours Of Extreme Humiliation Later...**

"And now, the moment you have all been waiting for... the finale of the finale, when relief leads to negligence that begets rashness... the comeback that falters comes back and beats your pathetic comeback that I scoff at! I HATE YOU, VOLDEMORT!" yelled the announcer. "Yes... Voldemort, as punishment for the horrific crimes he has committed, will now suffer the Dementor's Kiss! We will now suck the soul out of Voldemort's body!"

A band came out to start playing The Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme).

"We have selected one Dementor from a contest... and that Dementor is... Demi Levato!"

Demi was shocked. "OMG! MOM! I won the contest! I'm going to be in So Random! We're going to Hollywood! OMG!"

Demi ran away faster than Severus Snape could take away points from Gryffindor.

"And there she goes! Guess we'll have to pick a second Dementor... who is Dementor Number 314!"

314 glided slowly to Voldemort. Seriously. He took an hour to get there.

And then he kissed Voldemort.

"HE'S DEAD! TAKE THAT, YOU EVIL SERIAL KILLER!" screamed the stadium.

"There's a cereal killer?" asked Harry nervously. "Is he the one who took away that heart on my Cheerios box? THERE'S A CEREAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! EVERYBODY, RUN!"

There was general pandemonium, but it was nothing compared to the massive pandemonium that resulted when someone shouted, "Good Lord! He's resurrecting!

**Well, I'm sorry, but this is my last chapter.**

**Joking!**

**I hope to write soon so I get even more popular. And then, we will rule the world!**

**At least, that's the plan.**

**So review, add this story to Story Alert, and then... wait.**

**(Keep waiting...)**

**(and waiting...)**


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of this story is dedicated to my friend, the DJ Park.

And not just because I didn't get him a Christmas present.

* * *

**The observant might have noticed that a few characters are OOC.**

**I like writing OOC. It's funny.**

**Wait... no one has been OOC yet?**

**Darn it! I went too far back in time!**

**These time machines are always screwing up...**

**Yeah... it's not like I'm really from the future or anything...**

**And it's not like next year is the year of the Great Alien Encounter... heh heh... back to the story...**

**P.S. I just lost The Game.**

Voldemort was rising.

He stood up, arms stretched out in front of him, like a zombie.

Wizards and Muggles were running around in circles and screaming and eating hot dogs.

"Oh, fudge!" cursed Cornelius Fudge.

Then Voldemort started laughing. Or as close to laughing when you are some kind of reptile thing and don't have nostrils.

"You guys are idiots! You're all like, 'Voldemort's resurrecting! OMG! I'm gonna die!' You guys are so dumb! You can't suck my soul out of my body! I HAVE NO SOUL!"

Harry was annoyed. "I came here to see somebody die, and nobody's died yet! I want a refund!" He threw down his fries in anger, and then realized what he'd done.

Too late, though, because Harry didn't know that unseasoned fries were Voldemort's favorite food.

Voldemort gobbled up those fries like there was no tomorrow.

"Hey!" shouted Harry. "Those are my fries!"

Nobody listened.

"I said, those are my fries! Come on! Where are those screaming fans that do anything for me? This is no fair! I want my stolen fries!"

That caught somebody's attention.

"Wait – someone stole your fries? That's terrible!"

The crowd started to mummer. What kind of killer stole food?

"I know!" shouted Harry. "The cereal killer!"

The stadium started going crazy. There was a cereal killer on the loose, and even those with guns were afraid that the killer might outrigger them. Nobody ever noticed that in all of the confusion, Voldemort was escaping.

"Sayonara, suckers!" And the undead trotted away.

And then there was the flash of lightning.

Down from the heavens descended... Dumbledore.

The exits of the stadium clanged shut, and Dumbledore landed in a halo of light as angels sang to him.

"Hallelujah!" they chorused. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah!"

**Does anyone see the irony that I'm posting a story about a guy resurrecting and angels singing on Christmas?**

**Okay, we may as well leave some kind of cliffhanger there, so that's it for this chapter.**

**But why am I not getting any reviews?**

**Review now.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The author would like to note that this author's note is here to note that the author did not know what to write for this author's note. Thank you.**

**P.S. These truffles are still delicious. So is the yellow snow right outside my door.**

To tell the truth, Dumbledore did not descend epically onto the ground.

No, in reality, the wire holding him snapped and he broke his leg.

It should also be noted that this was not Dumbledore, but in fact, the Zit.

The Zit has an interesting and complicated history. It is documented in a short story. This is The Zit: A Long Short Short Story, and it has an all-star cast of authors that nobody has heard of.

The Zit:

A Long Short Short Story

(excerpt)

_by_

_Professor Doctor Lucius Havisham Teahen XIII Esquire_

_Professor Christian Greyshrike Fitzsimon Esquire_

_and_

_Professor Doctor Martin Allsop Baxtor Esquire_

_along with_

_Governor Joel Jaggers Moulsdale III_

_Archduke Nicholas Edmondson McMullock III_

_and_

_Lord Zebulon B. Pilkington Esquire_

The Zit plays an important role in nony0mous's stories.

The Zit is "all that once was and all that will be." He is also "your worst nightmare," and "your best friend." He is, to put it quite simply, a zit.

The Zit has come a long way since childhood. He was born as Zachrias Zitspeare Zit to Mr. Zachary Zit and Mrs. Petunia Pimple. His birthday is not known, though it is thought that he was born on December 31, 1926. He later claimed that he really was born on May 2, 1998, and nony0mous claims that he day of birth was in August of 2010. He was red and puffy, which caused much worry in the hospital, until somebody realized that all zits are born this way.

At age 7, he started attending Diddy's Stupid Day School for Downright Sad Facial Defections (DSDSfDSFD). He was an average student, getting all Fs on his report card. He made friends with Donald Dimple and Freddy Freckle, who are both serving full time in prison for stealing each others brains. Donald's brain told Freddy to alert Freddy to the police for stealing Donald's brain. Freddy's brain told Donald to alert Donald to the police for stealing Freddy's brain. They are still taking therapy lessons on how to live with no brain and being stupid. The Zit later went to Conker's Crazy College.

Out of college and in the cold, cruel world, Zachrias found out that the easiest way to make money is to make other people unhappy, so he got a job working at Fox 5 News, but was annoyed with his pay of $ -7.51 an hour. He found that he liked being a lawyer much better, until he found out that he disliked doing actual work. He finally settled on being a zit. Specifically, the Celeb Zit position that allowed zits to occupy celebrity's faces (Justin Bieber's face was full of zits.) He was fired, however, after being found drunk on Pus Light beer.

Zachrias Zit was saved from eternal doom by nony0mous. nony0mous found Zachrias lying on the floor, gasping for air, or whatever it is that zits need. nony0mous gave him the name of the Zit. nony0mous promised him limited power. He would be allowed every power, actually, except for the power to eat truffles, which only nony0mous possesses. In return, the Zit would go on missions for the author, doing the dirty work, so that the story never got clogged up by plot-holes or the idiots who go around pointing out plot-holes. As a reward, he was allowed unlimited Pus Light.

The Zit starred in nony0mous's famed story, E.V.I.L.: Every Villain is Lemons. He was essential to the plot, helping villains and heroes alike. He was the one who saved Voldemort from having to make and eat a Yummy Tummy Brownie Cake Pie. He was the one who commanded that vast army of flying lions, tigers, bears, and toads (oh my!)

And now, he will star in a new story – A Quest For Unseasoned Fries.

**A/N: Today I discovered that Voldemort, or Vol de Mort, means "Flight of Death" in French. Just something the author wanted to note in his author's note.**

**P.S. (Again!) The names used for the short story are a combination of real Victorian titles and names. They are just more obnoxious than real Victorian names.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Is it too hard to review a story?**

**What? It is?**

…

**That's stupid.**

**I'm going on strike!**

**...**

**That was a short strike.**

***Sigh***

**Okay, fine, I'll actually develop the plot this chapter.**

**NO FAIR!**

***sobs***

The Zit was angry.

"I AM THE ZIT!" he bellowed. "Voldemort, why have you been running from me? Why have you been running from the story? You know you are not allowed to do that!"

Voldemort was confused. "I do?"

"Yes! It says so in the contract you signed!"

Voldemort looked at the contract. "Huh. I guess it did. Right down there in the Story Clause. Didn't notice that. I guess I was too focused on the Santa Clause."

HA HA HA! Not funny.

The Zit took a deep breath. "Okay. I have instructions to find my instructions. My instructions say that to find the instructions, we must open this truffle. Unfortunately, I was not given the power to eat truffles. So we will have to wait for the truffle to open randomly. In the meantime, we can all sing songs! I made this one myself:

_**Row, row, row your boat,**_

_**or else you will die!**_

_**Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,**_

_**Life is but a pie.**_

"Heard it," said Voldemort uglily. (I know uglily isn't a real word – it's an inside joke.)

The Zit was bewildered. "But – but-but – how? I made it myself!"

"That song is _so_ 35 seconds ago."

"But I sang it 34 seconds ago!"

"Well, too bad."

"Okay, how about jokes?"

"What kind of jokes?"  
"Knock-knock jokes!"

Voldemort groaned.

"Fine, fine! How about this one – what did the robot say to the centipede?"

"Hey – that's new. I've never heard it. Go on."

"He said, 'Stop being a centipede!'"

Voldemort started laughing. "Hey, that's not bad."

Harry said (and yes, Harry is still in this scene – did you forget about him? Shame on you.), "I don't get it."

"See, it's funny," said Tom Riddle, "'cause the robot ain't got no arms."

Says Harry, "Say what now?"

The Zit didn't get it, either.

"That isn't doesn't have anything to do with the joke!"

"Yeah, but it's still funny," said Moldy Voldy.

At that moment, the truffle holding the instructions split open.

DUN DUN DUN!

(I just had to put that there.)

**Ok, I think that's enough for now.**

**I warned you that people would be OOC, but did you listen to me? NOOOOO. You went on and ignored my warning.**

**Just don't flame this, 'k?**

**So review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review!**

**Doesn't all of those reviews make you want to review?**

**No? It doesn't?**

**You stink.**

**So long for now, because I'm lazy,**

**~nony0mous~**

**Your obnoxious overlord**


	5. Chapter 5

**Please ignore this bold text. It has been put here for no reason except to annoy you. Disobeying this command can result in extreme anger and enrollment in Madame Poodle's Obedience School For Human Dogs.**

**Also note that attendance to Hogwarts is not allowed while enrolled in Madame Poodle's Obedience School For Human Dogs. Disobeying this rule can result in enrollment in Professor Umbridge's Academy For Obsessed Human Cats.**

**Thank you.**

The truffle contained a letter.

Here it is:

_To my dearest Voldy and Potty,_

_I totally 3 you._

_But on to the important shtuff. (I did that on purpose!1!(And that too!))_

_It has come to my attention that you two imbeciles must go on a quest._

_I have contemplated the best way to force you to go on this quest._

_Here is the answer._

_You may have noticed that last night, while eating dinner, there was a bomb in your meal. Blame Dolores Umbridge._

_The bomb has nothing to do with this story._

_If you look on the back of your box of Steve's Unseasoned Fries, you will find a few side effects. I will now put a giant space in the letter so that your dialogue and actions can be recorded._

"There are side affects of fries?" asked Harry.

"Duh," replied Steve. "Of course there are side affects. You can tell because 'fries' is an anagram of 'sire F'."

"Which means?"

"I don't know."

Harry looked at the side affects.

Side affects may include but are not limited to: pooping, peeing, puking, throwing up, vomiting, dying, choking, death, suicide, queasiness, homicide, insanity, epic fails, hypothermia, stupidity, hatred of chocolate, and waking up in the middle of the night after a nightmare and finding yourself on the ceiling with no way of getting down. If you experience any of the symptoms, contact Steve's Unhealthy Foods and we will give you 202 reasons why you are doomed and we will not help you. If you sue us, we will counter-sue and win because we have better lawyers than you. If by any chance you have better lawyers than us, then we will hunt you down in the middle of the night and kidnap your whole family and blackmail you.

Have a nice day! :)

_Ok, now you've had your time to read the side affects._

_Here is your problem: you are doomed to die because of unseasoned fries._

_UNLESS!_

_There is a catch. Look at the serial code on the bottom of the box._

Harry gasped. "The cereal killer left us a code?"

He looked at the code: **1 10 4 41...**

Harry didn't bother reading the rest of the numbers because he was lazy. Instead, he looked back at the letter.

_The numbers correspond to letters in the side affects._

_The code spells out **STEPHENS UNSEASONED FRIES**._

_You see, if you find Stephen's Unseasoned Baked Fries, then you will be saved._

_Unfortunately for you, Stephen's Unseasoned Baked Fries is currently hidden away in a very dangerous place that I have not decided on yet._

_So you will have to go on a quest for unseasoned fries._

_I issue you this quest with a prophecy from the Oracle:_

_You shall go west and face the **DOG **who has turned._

_You shall find what was stolen, and see it safely **EATEN**._

_You shall be betrayed by one who calls you a**N ENEMY**._

_And you shall fail to **NOT **save what matters most in the end._

_I find this prophecy as clear as the light from a streetlight at night._

_So go on forth, and thou shalt find those fries!_

Then, for dramatic effect, some random person in the audience died.

**Stop flaming this, you preps!**

**In honor of my discovery of My Immortal, I say this:**

**My Immortal is the best terrible story ever to be written.**

**If you haven't read it, then I command you to read it. NOW.**

**Actually, I didn't write that correctly.**

**It should be spelled like this:**

**Sotp flupin tis u pepsi?**

**or**

**Sop flammin, u preepz!11!1!**

**BTW also in My Immortal speak:**

**fangs(gettit, cuz im goffik) to mi siter 4 helpn my wit ta storezee.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 is here!**

**It's pointless.**

**By the way, be sure to check out my new story, _In Which Ron Attempts To Use a Computer_, and put it on story alert!**

That was one big prophecy. Very original.

The crowd was talking about how dangerous this quest was going to be.

"But at least the fate of the world doesn't depend on it!" exclaimed an optimist.

"Did I forget to say the fate of the world depends on it? Apparently, I did," said the Zit. "Well, remember that bomb that you two ate? Well, it will go off unless you eat some of Stephen's Unseasoned Fries. If it does, then the whole world will explode randomly for no reason."

"That's stupid," said Voldemort. "Avada Kedavra!"

Voldemort's curse bounced off of the Zit.

"Ha! nony0mous's love for me protects me from your curses!" shouted the Zit.

Then there was a fizzing sound.

"Great. nony0mous, why do you hate me so?"

Voldemort perked up. "The love spell has been broken? Yes! Avada Kedavra!"

Harry looked unnerved.

"Let's start, then!" and Voldemort and Harry walked away.

"Do re mi fa so la ti do!" screamed Voldemort in his high pitched voice. "We're off to see the wizard! F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! N is for anywhere and anytime at all-"

"Will you shut up?" Harry said, depressed.

"You should stop complaining. You don't have to endure listening to 'MY SCAR, MY SCAR!' all day long!"

Then they approached a wall in the middle of the road. It was just standing there.

"Hey, guys," said the wall. "I'm a wall."

"I am not a guy!" Voldemort said. "I am a creepy snake thing that doesn't have nostrils!"

"Anyway," said the wall, "I will let you pass if you answer one question."

"I hate questions!" whined Voldy Moldy. "Instead, I will use my ghost powers to walk right through you!"

Voldemort walked through Wall. Then he heard a clanging sound.

"What was that?" asked Moldy Shorts.

"Oh," said Wall, "that was probably the ghost detector inside me. It activates some ghost walls around you.

"Ghost walls? Great, now I can't get out! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"

"Nice speech," commented Potter Otter. "Now, excuse me while I walk around this wall."

"But won't you save me?" pleaded Goldysnort.

"Gee, I'd love to, but you were about to leave me to a wall."

"Please! I'll do anything!"

"Will you get outside the wall for me?"

"Yes! I'll get outside the wall right now!"

Lord Voldything popped outside Wall. "Okay, now get me outside of this thing!"

"Okay."

And they walked off happily.

Wall sighed. "All I wanted was to ask them one question. 'What are your names?' Is it too hard to answer that?"

**Okay, so that was chapter 6. It was pointless except for the fact that it had to do with the prophecy.**

**See ya later,**

**Supreme Ruler nony0mous**


	7. Chapter 7

**No, I don't know where I'm going with this story.**

**Does it matter?**

**It does?**

**Writing is so hard!**

**P.S. Who wants to join me in my lawsuit against schools for underpaying us?**

Harry and Voldemort, who we may call the Golden Duo, found a car.

"Hey, there's a car!" stated Harry.

"Oh my god! It's not like we could have known that by listening to the author say that the Golden Duo found a car!" Voldemort responded sarcastically.

"Oh, you're just saying that because you're cranky because you're hungry and angry because you couldn't eat the fries because they were taken from you because you're a cereal killer because you're just a mean person because you're crazy because that's your personality because that's what your DNA says because God decided to give you that DNA because God loves causing trouble because He's awesome because He's God," explained Harry. "Come on, let's go get some fast food!"

Voldemort drove Harry to Burger King because Harry never got his driver's license. Voldemort, however, was forced to learn how to use this Muggle contraption as part of the festivities during Voldemort Execution Day.

They arrived at the drive-thru. A magic box spoke to Voldemort. It was really another Muggle contraption, but for the sake of the story, we will call it Magic Box. Magic Box is possessed by a voice that belongs to Ima Ed Iot. Try saying that really fast. ImaEdIot.

"Hello," said MB. "May I take your order?"

Voldemort was pleased. "I can order you around? That's what I'm best at! I order you to hug Snape!"

"Um..." said MB. "Who is this 'Snape'?"

"Voldy!" Harry whispered. "You can only order food!"

"Fine, fine." Voldemort was ticked off. "Can I order some of Stephen's Unseasoned Fries? Because I'd really love to have some fries right now."

"And can I have a pickle?" asked Harry. (This is another inside joke. See _Hi Lo PickleO_.)

"42!" yelled MB. "No, but, really, the people who stole those fries for us quit. So we don't have any more. As for the pickle, a man who says his name is serious said, quote on quote, 'FOR THE LAST SHTINKING TIME, HARRY, I AIN'T GOT NO PICKLE NO MORE! NO PICKLE YOU FOO!'"

"Seriusly?" said Voldemort. "Nobody told me the quest would be this hard! But I'm still hungry, so here's my order:

I need double cheese burger and hold the lettuce

Don't be frostin' son no seeds on a bun

We be up in the drive-thru, order for two

I gots a craving for a number nine like my shoe  
We need some chicken up in here  
In this dizzle  
For rizzle my nizzle  
Extra salt on the frizzle  
Dr. Pepper my brother  
Another for your mother  
Double double super size  
And don't forget the FRIES...  
Crispy!"

By this point Voldemort is break dancing on the pavement.

"Really?" said MB. "This is Burger King! Every time I try to talk to you, you start getting all confuzzled! And all the other customers! They keep rapping! We have chicken wraps, not McDonald's raps! Sheesh!"

Voldemort said, "Chicken raps? Could I have a chicken rap, please?"

"I'm rolling my eyes right now! Now, can you move on? There are other people waiting, you know!"

Voldemort looked around. "There are! Hold on."

Voldy-thing got out of the car and started rapping, "Avada Kedavra!"

"Voldemort?" said Harry. "You know, now we have to move those cars?"

"Siriusly? Okay, PUSH!"

After they pushed all of the cars, they suddenly realized they just blockaded the exit. After a heated debate that took 3.78 years, they finally decided to hijack the cars and go out the entrance. A few car crashes later, Harry shouted, "Look! A cliffhanger!"

Voldemort looked. In front of them was a cliff. Hanging off the cliff was a hanger.

**EPIC CLIFFHANGER!**

**What do you think?**

**Answer in raps!**

**Unless you're lazy.**

**(Like me.)**

**Remember, story alert!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Have no fear, chapter 8 is here!**

**Are you going insane by now?**

**Good. You should.**

**We should be approaching the climax soon, because the deadline for this contest is approaching...**

**Shame. Guess this won't be entered in the contest.**

The Zit heard about this cliffhanger. He wondered.

"What is a hanger, anyway?" says he. "I shall look it up on Wikipedia!"

"'HANGER'-" he muttered. "'A poopy thing that smells like poop because it is poop. It is made out of Voldemort's tiny brain, Harry's skin, and [un]common sense. A hanger is used to write stories. Its distant cousin is CLIFFHANGER. A cliffhanger is a type of computer that is used to crash while surfing the Internet.' This is trash! Nobody told me that anybody could edit on Wikipedia!"

He checked the dictionary. "Ah, this is better. 'A light saber of the 17th and 18th centuries, often worn by sailors.' Now I understand!"

**AN: That was an actual definition from .**

Voldemort and Harry were fighting over who was going to use the hanger. They decided to fight it out with lightsabers.

Harry lunged. Voldemort blocked. Voldemort lunged. Harry blocked. Harry lunged again, but when Voldemort blocked, Harry pushed his saber, and Voldemort's lightsaber flew out of his hand.

"NO! My lightsaber!"

And Harry slashes off his head.

Then Voldemort's head grew back. (He was dead! Remember? Of course you don't. Why would you remember that?)

"Why, you little-!" he screams. (I think I'm going to watch the Simpsons tonight!)

But interrupting him is a dog.

The dog is looking at them.

The the dog turns.

"The dog! He must be pointing in the direction we need to go to!" Harry has clearly had an epiphany. (I told you. I'm thinking about the Simpsons. Remember that Alaskan woman Homer saw in the movie? The creepy person who made Homer have an epiphany about epiphanies? No, you don't remember. Don't lie; I'm an uncertified Legilimens.)

The dog is pointing downwards. What a surprise.

So Harry starts doing what any 7-year old would do: dig a hole to China.

Halfway down, Harry encounters a problem.

Is the ground too tough for your shovel to dig through? Harry gets a new shovel. Is the temperature to high? Harry gets a fever. But now Harry has encountered the core of the Earth and realizes that now he has to dig UP.

"Voldy! I need you to give me a piggy-back ride!" he whispers. He whispers because he doesn't want the Justin Bieber to hear him (Justin Bieber is the current devil. The title changes every few years.)

Voldemort says, "No! I will never EVER give you a piggy-back ride!"

"By the way, Voldy, I'm cheating on you with the Sorting Hat."

"WHY YOU LITTLE-!"

And just like that, Goldy Snort comes running at Hairy Butter. Hairy jumps on Goldy's back, digs upwards, and jumps every few minutes. Voldemort jumps up with Harry, and grabs onto the rock to make sure he doesn't fall back. Why? Well, let's just say that the Zit arranged a little surprise for him. Which includes a certain purple dinosaur.

Eventually, they reach the top, and they find themselves in Walmart.

Specifically, a Walmart factory.

More specifically, a Walmart factory in the Universe.

More specifically, a Walmart factory in the Milky Way.

More specifically, a Walmart factory in the Solar System. (The one that we live in, not the one E.T. lives in.)

More specifically, a Walmart factory on Earth.

More specifically, a Walmart factory in the Eastern Hemisphere.

More specifically, a Walmart factory in the Northern Hemisphere.

More specifically, a Walmart factory in Asia.

More specifically, a Walmart factory in China.

More specifically, a Walmart factory in a Walmart factory.

What was I saying again?

I don't know. Let's just say that inside the Walmart factory, they see people making Nike shoes, electronic dart boards, dirt bikes, sock puppets, rubber dog poop, GAP clothing, and everything at WALMART! (Imagine hear a group of young kids saying "YAAAAAAAAY!")

And one of the things they were making was a solitary box that had a label on it.

I think you can guess it.

Wait. You can't?

Let me spell it out for you.

S

T

E

P

H

E

N

'

S

U

N

S

E

A

S

O

N

E

D

F

R

I

E

S

.

**And another cliffhanger.**

**These are getting boring.**

**Review, and maybe...**

**Nah, I won't tell you.**

**Unless you review.**

**Etc.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Almost there... hang on...**

**Just a few more decades...**

**And some wasted chapters...**

**Like this one...**

**I realized there weren't a lot of Harry Potter characters in the story.**

**Here they are.**

So now you're telling me you can't spell.

How in the world do you read a 4000+ page series if you can't spell?

You had it read to you?

My tongue would be really tired by the end of the first chapter.

Let me give you a piece of advice: if you're going to be reading some form of Harry Potter, then you should read The Boy Who Snored. It's one of the greatest works of all time, written by a genius named nony0mous. Just saying.

So anyway, the Golden Duo saw a box of Stephen's Unseasoned Fries. Thought you knew how to read. Well, anyway, they saw it and blah blah blah, yada yada yada, etc., a shadowy figure emerged from the shadows.

"Snape," said Harry.

"Harry," said Snape.

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"DUMBLEDORE!" screamed – well, you know who.

"Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmione!"

"Singing a song, all day long, at Walllllllmart!"

Together they sang, until Ron said:

"I found the source of the ticking noise!"

What ticking noise?

"It's a pipe bomb!"

Harry and Hermione said in unison, "Yay!"

KA-BOOM!

Then everyone resurrected.

Wait a minute. Voldemort resurrected in the fourth book.

Then he did it again in the second chapter of this story.

And now he just did it again.

Doesn't he get tired of resurrecting?

Anyway, he broke out in song:

"Voldemort, Voldemort, oh Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort!"

Bu-dum dum dum dum.

"Call my baby Voldemort, tell you why! His face is uglier than any guy! And when he doesn't shout Avada Kedavra, he using the Imperius curse! I call him Voldemort!"

That was my own invention. Like it?

Don't tell me – this will be the cause of the end of the human race, right?

Anyway... time for another cliffhanger...

Snape said, "Wait – what's that noise?"

"What noise?" asked Ron. "I hear no noise. See no noise-"

"How in the world can you see a noise?"

Ron blushed. Out of context, I know.

"I just, well, um-"

Ron was saved from (more) embarrassment by...

Draco coming in, holding hands with a girl.

"Who are you?" asked Ron.

"I'm A Story of Green Grass," she replied.

"Astoria Greengrass?"

"No, I'm-"

Draco cut her off and kissed her.

"I have this warm feeling inside of me. Is it love?" he asked, confused.

"Oh, that'll be the spontaneous combustion," commented Ron.

"What spontaneous combu-"

BOOM!

"Yes! Today is the day I see Draco's insides!" yelled Weasley victoriously.

Wasn't there supposed to be a cliffhanger?

There was another noise. It went _Boom. Crunch, crunch._

"I heard there were some fries to be eaten."

Out of the darkness, gun cocked, was...

"Oh no!" shouted Harry.

The Cereal Killer had returned.

**What, you thought the Cereal Killer was just a figment of my imagination?**

**You disgust me.**

**I'm going to sing a song now until you review.**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**

**Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.**

**Dumbledore!**

**Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.**

**Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!**

**Harry Potter, Harry Potter, oh! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Here it is.**

**The tenth and final chapter.**

**I think.**

**Maybe.**

**Possibly.**

**I don't know, just stop asking questions! You'll find out later when I finish the story!**

**Or not.**

**Haha.**

The Cereal killer stepped out of the shadows.

"First," he said, "I would like to point something out. Has anyone realize that Walmart _buys_ their products from other companies? There's no such thing as a Walmart factory. You clearly are all idiots."

Harry was confused. For, like, the eleventh time in the story.

"But how are we in a Walmart factory if a Walmart factory doesn't exist?"

The Cereal Killer shrugged. "I don't know. Ask the Zit."

The Zit appeared.

"Well, you see, it seems there was a bit of a typo... we'll have to warp to the first thing nony0mous thinks about..."

They all Apparated.

Voldemort looked around. "Hey, this looks familiar..."

Voldemort went to Hogwarts a long time before the Marauders, so I guess he didn't recognize the Whomping Willow as fast as the others.

The Whomping Willow started punching Voldy, and he resurrected again. And again. And again.

And again. And again.

The Cereal Killer cocked his gun. "Okay, it seems my instructions are to kill you all. Any last words?"

"I forgot what my last words are," were Harry's last words.

"I knew that J. K. Rowling wanted to kill me!" were Ron's.

"Wait! If 2a-6b=7*ac, then 64a=90t, thus the Cereal Killer is 78d years old, so if we had a Time Turner, we could... but then there might be a paradox that... but maybe if we..." Hermione was dead by the time she was a quarter of the way through her sentence.

"I take back what I said in the first book! Death is not the next adventure! I don't want to die!" screamed Dumbly.

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape." Snape was still singing.

"ALL I WANTED WAS TO LIVE FOREVER! WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?" cried Oldy Voldy.

Then the Cereal Killer killed them all.

Then they came back.

"Sorry," apologized Harry. "We went to King's Cross but decided that I still wanted to live, so..."

The Cereal Killer threw away his gun.

"Okay, the gloves are off!" And he threw off his gloves.

Hermione looked at his hands and gasped.

"You're not just any cereal killer! You're Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

Arnold cursed. "You recognized my disguise! I will be back!"

And he ran away.

Voldemort ran to the box of fries.

He opened it...

And...

"THERE ARE NO FRIES IN HERE!"

He looked at the Zit. "Explain this!"

The Zit flinched. "Well, you see, it turns out, your whole quest was kinda pointless..."

"You mean there are no fries?"

"Yes. And you don't have much more time before the bomb explodes."

"I'm a-gonna kill you!"

"Hold on! I can ask my buddy Mario to go get some for you! He lives in a totally different universe! He even lives in a kingdom... well actually, it's a queendom... of mushrooms!"

"Great," said Harry. "But how long will it take?"

"Not long, you'll have time, as long as there are no interferences."

"I AM BACK!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger came back, holding a machine gun.

I think you can guess what happened.

The Zit sighed.

"They lived such lovely lives," he said. "But nony0mous, didn't you say something about the fate of the world depending on these fries?"

In response, nony0mous blew the whole world up.

"Why do I ask?" the Zit murmured.

***sniff***

**It grew up so fast!**

**I hate to finish this story.**

**It reminds me of my 15-chapter story, E.V.I.L.: Every Villain Is Lemons.**

**Ironically, that story _also_ ended with the whole world blowing up.**

**Well, there's no such thing as too much of a good thing.**

**Wait, there is?**

**SCREW THIS WORLD!**

**Oh wait, I forgot, it is screwed. I already blew it up.**

**Twice.**

**REVIEW!**

**And let's play some music!**

***RANDOM MUSIC STARTS BLARING OUT OF NON-EXISTING SPEAKERS***


End file.
